Actually doing the thing...

Today I celebrated Ostara, a celebration of the Spring equinox in the Celtic and Neo-pagan traditions . The time of year in which Spring really starts to take hold, and nature calls upon us to leave behind what is no longer of use to us in the old year, and to start anew.

In December 2021 I called my aunt and shakily mentioned I’d watched a programme and done a quiz and did she think that I might be autistic (too, like my cousins). Instead of dismissing me which is what I had been used to from many others, she was warm, open and affirming and continues to be a great support to this day. I am still awaiting my officially autistic stamp, waiting times are long, but not as long as the 35 year wait I’ve had so far.

The last 15 months have been a gentle unpicking, huge revelations, coming out again and again, massive self discoveries. There have been horrible burdens which have lightened through my own self forgiveness. I have started to make friends with my inner child rather than just feeling sorry for her.

Masking and unmasking is real and there have been big bouts of burnout, anxiety and soul searching as I face my future as the whole version of myself.

I no longer feel ‘broken’. The horrible word I have used for so long to bully myself with when I lost a friendship or couldn’t cope for some seemingly unknown reason. I feel whole and happy in my difference and that in fiercely want to advocate for myself in a way I never have before.

I have always wanted to be a writer, and my brilliant mind and the influence of some rather unsavoury others have told me that I would not be able to, my own killer “everything you write is trite” barb is still eyeballing me from over in the corner but here we are. Today I have felt inspired to write. Safe to write. A feeling that is stirring like a terrible burgeoning spring metaphor.

I feel safe, held and inspired. The necessary ingredients to allow myself to be creative. It comes at a time when I am holding space for others who are still in their own winters, and at a time of great change for myself.

I am changing jobs soon, and I have also started upon my path to becoming a priestess of Brigid. I have a great desire to serve my community and help us to reconnect with the land and with our own spirit.

I am feeling a stronger connection to my values than I have in a long time, and a grounded feeling that is allowing for more courage, than a need for a stifling ‘safety’.

So this is it. My year of “Actually Doing The Thing”. No more all the gear and no idea of when and how to use it: actually writing in the notebooks, having actual adventures in nature, actually practising magic and holding space for others in ceremony, living authentically, by my values and beliefs and in flow.

I’ll be honest right now. I’m a bit terrified. The world has not been easy navigating up until now. Even though I have been the best ever student of society and social norms I have either always been an obvious intruder or the masking has damaged my mental health. But I’m looking forward to navigating it all. And why the fuck not? I’m coming up to 36, we’re living in increasingly troubling and unsettled times, we have lost loved ones who did not get to live to their fullest. So I resolve to show up for myself, with forward thinking and positive action. Starting with writing this book. Thank you for coming along with me.